Snarks and Ladders

Well, in all the time I haven’t been blogging (yeah, yeah, I know), some pretty major stuff has been happening.

Mainly, as the title says… getting myself into an enormous pile of debt (a.k.a. getting a god diggity damn mortgage).

So, you can all be forewarned.  You have about 3 weeks before this turns into a ‘check out how I painted this room!  Look at my plants!’ type blog while we fix a few things around the new place.

I also got myself a new car, but that’s hardly exciting in comparison.

In other news, I’ve basically been working crazy ass 12-14 hour days – which will look fantastic when I claim my home office hours on my tax return! – been looking at other money making opportunities (because apparently houses don’t pay for themselves.  Why did no one tell me this?), doing a bit of idle photography on the side, and reading through my new stack of feminist books (while also doing all the housework – isn’t that hilarious?)

So, um, yeah.  Fun times!

All I want now that I am not allowed to have is either a border collie puppy or a baby.

Is that too much too ask?

(Apparently – yes).

I also had some success at the local Show (huzzah!), winning best bread, best cake, second in the plain scones, and Best Cat and second in the Medium Dog or Bitch category.  Winning stuff is kinda cool!

Apart from that, well… not much else is new.  But, as always, promise to talk more when I have time (in other words, I’ll see you all in 3 months or so…)

Tags: Animals, babies, Gracie, Mortgage, photography

I was lucky enough to have a visit from a couple of friends and their gorgeous 6 month old baby girl.  It was hilarious watching her – she is in the pre-crawl scooting stage, and she gets around much quicker than I expected.

So, of course, I then proceeded to make her my practice dummy for more photos.  Because, hey, I really need that practice.

I don’t know why baby ands and baby feet are so damn fascinating – they just are!

I had such fun with these super bright pictures that I saved them as a new preset (the first time I have ever done this in my life… kinda cool!)  Hopefully I begin to play more and create my own presets, rather than just using other people’s.  I think I’ll call this one Rock Candy.  Maybe one day I’ll even develop the confidence to share them and stuff – when I actually become good at this sort of thing!

Anyway.  Babies!  Fun!

Tags: babies, Lightroom, photography, presets

I am scoffing Lindor balls as I type this… and feeling guilty about it.  Part of me wonders whether this is the way it is meant to be?

I’ve always had trouble with my body image.  In fact, I am pretty sure I have talked about it on this blog before.  In absolute theory, and even as it applies to other people in practice, I firmly believe in fat-positive feminism.  I get angry when people discriminate against fat people.  I get furious when I see fat people pressured to diet or exercise; it outright pisses me off when people dare to make the assumption that people must be unhealthy because they are fat.

I just seem to have so much trouble applying these same beliefs to myself.

Over the last couple of days, I have attempted to start a diet.  I’ve always been all about eating whatever the hell I like, whenever I like, and it’s a strange and horrible experience for me.  Cutting out chocolate, Coke, cheese, cookies (why the hell do all the tasty foods start with c, damn it?) has left me feeling like there is something major missing in my life.  That sounds a little melodramatic, but there you have it – I miss my crappy, ‘empty’ foods.

So why am I putting myself through all this angst?  The logical part of my brain tells me constantly that I look fine, I look healthy, and I should be comfortable with how I am.  The rest of my brain is ruled by the frustration of constantly being asked if I am pregnant (no, no, I’m not, and I really wish people would teach their children that it is rude to ask someone whether they have a squatter in their uterus.  If people were meant to know these things straight away, there’d be a god damn window in there) and the annoyance of having to lie on the bed to do up my pants.  I am irrationally worried that people are always looking at me… and not in a good way.

The thing I can’t get straight in my head is this – as far as I know, dieting itself isn’t inherently ‘anti-feminist’.  People should feel free to make their own choices, and yadayadayada.  I’m not going to jump down someone’s throat for choosing to go on a diet, and start yelling and ranting that they are just reinforcing the partiarchy’s view of what an ideal woman should be (apparently: thin, yet curvy, and always hungry.  Because being always hungry is supposedly an achievement).  Unfortunately, I feel as if my reasons for dieting (namely: I seem to be concerned with what other people think of me) most definitely fit into the whole ‘anti-fat’ system.  When I really put myself under the microscope, all I can come up with is this:

I am unhappy with my weight because of things that other people say to me, and because I don’t think I look my best for others.

This is not right or healthy, damn it.  If I could come up with a single reason why I want to diet for myself, a reason that has nothing to do with other people, I could justify this.  I could not be the world’s biggest hypocrite by saying all these things and then turning around and fretting over my appearance.  I could tell everyone else who seems to invest themselves in this bizarre body competition that I’m off the hamster wheel.  No more competing over who has the strictest diet.  No more competing about who has the worst body.  No more being proud because I only ate a few carrot sticks for lunch, even though I really wanted to have a drippy, greasy hamburger.

I guess the question is: do I have the guts to stick to my convictions?*  To chuck the diet until I find a good reason to have one?  Or, with the picture of myself in this damn purple chiffon bridesmaids dress I have to wear in 8 months in my head, will I end up being so concerned with how I look that I just diet anyway, even though it makes me feel like a hypocrite?

* bahahaha pun. 

Tags: body image, dieting, Fat, Fat-Positive Feminism, Feminism

So, after what feels like a lifetime of no blogging, and very little access to technology, I am kinda back.  That is, until I go again.  However, I am determined to stick to it (does this sound familiar to you?)

The camera was out of commission for quite a while – I had lost my battery charger, and was putting off buying a new one (because we all know the minute you buy something whatever you lost magically appears), but eventually I caved.

And so, you have pictures.  I guess I have a lot of exciting news as well, but I’ll stick with pictures for the time being!

Sonny managed to get an infection in his foot, and so was doomed to wear the cone of shame.  Needless to say, he was very unhappy about this turn of affairs.

Suki, the Barbie of cats, spends most of her time posing and trying to meow in a cute manner.  Usually, she achieves this.  When my parents visited for Easter, my mother spent more time pampering the cat than she did talking to me.  If she was a human she’d be dangerous.

Willis is getting fatter and fatter.  I keep trying to put him on a diet (before, you know, he has a heart attack, or gets arthritis, or something), and then the boy turns around and gives him more food.  I’m beginning to think he is actually trying to kill him.  Hmmmmph.

On the other hand… Gracie is never going to get fat.  Although she is getting furrier.  All she does is run.  And run.  And run.  And run.

In inadvertent pets… A grasshopper decided to come in and eat my roses.  Which was actually preferable to eating the rose bushes outside, I think.  And then the cats got to chase him around the house when the roses were dead.  I think that’s a win.  Also, trying to get a photo of him made me wish for a macro lens SOOOOOO much.  Seriously… if anyone out there loves me an insane amount, and has a macro lens from, oh, a dead relative or a hated ex or something that they wish to offload?  I’ll be your best friend forever if you give it to me.  Totally not scared of dead people cooties, or nasty ex karma.

And we got an owl in the backyard, which was kinda cool.  Would have been better if I had the longer lens on the camera, but I was too scared to spend the time finding the lens, changing the lens, and then racing back out, because I was pretty sure he’d fly away before then.  And, sure enough, he did not too much longer after I took this.  I do love owls.

Tags: Animals, Gracie, Kamiko, pets, photography, Sonny, Suki, Willis

Questions totally stolen from All and Sundry, same as every other thieving bastard on the internet

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Ummmm… moved in with the boy?  Apart from that, there wasn’t really a heap of new ground covered.  Oh, and applied for new jobs/promotions as well (one of which I actually managed to get, thank ceiling cat, because otherwise I’d be looking forward to another year of endless debt and sadness!)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I kinda suck ass at resolutions.  Don’t think I made any, although I usually plan to write more.  And then I fail at it.

I guess this year’s resolution will be the same.  Write more.  Take more pictures.  Stop losing the charger for my camera’s battery so I can take more pictures.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Two of my very close friends had their baby Piper in November.  Two other good friends had their baby Gabriella on New Year’s Eve, as did my uncle and his girlfriend, welcoming Noah in to the world just before midnight.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.  A few people died who weren’t close close friends, but that was about it.

5. What countries did you visit?

None, sadly.  Travel plans are on hiatus due to lack of funds, lack of motivation, and a stupid but irrepressible desire to buy a house and start a family.  Gah.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
The ability to cope with shit.  I suspect that is coming along nicely, thanks to the wonders of modern science, medication, and all that jazz.

A house of my god damn own.  I am so tired of living in teacher housing, and I want to be able to do all the things one can do to their own home (that is – start renovating and never finish, put pictures up everywhere then move them again, and constantly have to spend money fixing things).

Save money for once in my life (I know this goal is totally incompatible with the above goal).

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
None that I can think of, although I am notoriously bad with dates.  It was more a year of a lot of really blah shit, with nothing memorable jumping out at me at the moment.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Got a promotion.  I guess that’s pretty good.  Alternatively, I actually got off my arse and went to the doctor – it’s only taken me my whole life to sort my head out, so that’s something.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Attempting to fix my finances… only to make them worse.  Many many times.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing major or specific that I can think of.  Just the usual colds, broken toes, and a hellish 3 month long bout of asthma that landed me in the god damn hospital and in bed for quite a while.  Curse you, cotton farmers.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Does it count if I say my dog?  Because she is pretty fricking awesome.  Apart from that, I tried to refrain from spending money last year, and I think I did OK.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Bills.  Debts from years previous.  New fridge and other shit we needed for the house.  Feeding the zoo.

13. What did you get really excited about?

Not much really.  Getting a promotion, I guess, even if that did cause 4 months or so of stress waiting for contractual details to be finalised.

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Not in a good way, that bloody Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO.  Gah.  Never chaperoning a school disco again.  Played. To. Death.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? Well… generally sadder, thanks to a couple of major depressive episodes.

– thinner or fatter? Fatter.  Easily fatter.
– richer or poorer? Poorer.  Although I think that’s a constant for life.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Cooking.  I’ve really cut back on the baking, and it shows in my stress levels.  Although it meant I did lose some weight.  Taking pictures… I will find my camera charger somewhere!  Getting out with the dogs more at the river… I’m very unfit, they are very unfit, it’s just a sad state of affairs all round.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Arguing with the boy.  I really have had no patience last year.  Wallowing in sadness instead of doing something about it.  Hiding in the house.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
With my parents, same as every year, at their place.  Did not see the boy at all.  Subject of much anger and argument, which still kinda pisses me off when I think about it.  I might be over it by next Christmas, perhaps.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Community.  Hands down.  I was probably more addicted to Community than any other show, and there were some good shows last year.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

Oh my.  I got off my arse and read the Hunger Games trilogy last year, which I really enjoyed.  I’m sure I read other books, but there were so many they all just kinda blurred together.  And I rarely buy ‘new’ books, so nothing that was released in 2011.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

2011 felt like a giant black hole of musicdom.  Yukyukyuk.  Although I rarely go to the effort to listen to anything new – I don’t often get the opportunity to listen to my music anymore.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Again, giant black hole.  It’s like 2011 was the year culture died.  Harry Potter was pretty wonderful.  Apart from that, I don’t remember feeling excited about anything.  I did enjoy 50/50, but technically it hadn’t been released I think.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I went to the pub, didn’t get drunk if I recall correctly.  Worked, because my birthday always falls in the last week of term.  My kids did buy me chocolate and lollies, which was really awesome.  I turned 26.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Being organised and feeling less anxious.  I might have actually gotten somewhere.  Possibly putting off having the boy move in?  Although I don’t think that would have changed much.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

This year was the year of baggy, tent like tops.  I am swimming in tent like clothing.  Or it is swimming on me.  Either way.

26. What kept you sane?

Nothing.  I think we can count this as the year I felt most insane.  All the time.  2012 will be sane though, I hope!

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

You aren’t imagining things.  Usually.  Seek help.

Tags: 2011, Year in Review, Yep I did one of those...

I had my doctors appointment this morning, which turned out to be very fruitful.  After a long discussion, the doctor diagnosed me with both depression and social phobia (which is also referred to as social anxiety disorder).  While it’s a little scary to know that these are things I am going to have to deal with, it’s also immensely relieving to know that I wasn’t just imagining things.  It was awfully hard to shake the feeling that the doctor would tell me to just get over it and move on.

The depression diagnosis wasn’t immensely surprising, but the social phobia one kinda was.  I just associated all the different things I was feeling as one thing, and didn’t ever think that they might be separate.  When I tried to articulate my feelings about going out and social situations to my partner, he just looked at me like I had two heads, and told me I had to try and just deal with it and get over it.  Which, to be fair, might sound realistic to most people – when I say I am ‘terrified’ of talking to people I don’t know, it just sounds like a giant hyperbole.  I was too embarrassed to ever mention the other things – the fact that, even though I know it’s irrational, I always feel like people are talking about me if I can’t hear the conversation.  If someone walks past me laughing with a friend, I always leap to the conclusion they are laughing at me.  And while I know none of this makes sense, it’s impossible to shake.

The doctor prescribed a low dose of a SSRI (one of the apparently many different types of medications used to treat depression).  It’s going to be a long road ahead – she said it can take quite some time to get the dosage right, and sometimes you need to chop and change between medications until you find the one that is the right fit for you.  I’ll have to do a lot of travelling to make sure I get to all my doctor’s appointments over the next 6 months or so while we work it all out, but that’s OK.  While the boy seems to be dealing with the diagnosis as a bad thing (no one likes hearing that they are ‘sick’), I think it’s a positive.  I’m finally able to move forward in the right direction and start to feel better about myself.  The doctor believes that I’ve had depression for a really long time (turns out a lot of the stuff I dismissed as ‘teenage angst’ probably wasn’t after all) and I’ve just dismissed it for various reasons (“I’m just a teenager”  “I’m stressed”  “I’m just tired from work” “I’m living alone, it doesn’t matter because I can just hide in the house”).

I’m just relieved that I am finally getting somewhere.  I’m a little scared about the medication process, but I think that it will all work out well in the long run.  The first couple of weeks will be the scariest – the doctor said that sometimes the medication can make you feel worse while you adjust to it, and that it’s likely I will feel absolutely terrible.  But, hey, I am lucky enough to have this as an outlet.  So if things around here get really glum, don’t be too concerned – it’s probably just the medication.

It’s exciting anyway – there’s hope I might actually feel better!

Tags: Depression, Doctor, hope, Social Phobia

I know that I have said a million and one times that I will head to the doctor and get my mind checked out.  And I know that, most every time I plan to go to the doctor about anything, I end up cancelling the appointment.  What can I say, medical professionals make me antsy.

Well, I am actually going to the doctor.  Partly because I can not take feeling like this any more, partly because it is killing my relationship, as well as most of my friendships.  I guess I am more motivated now that someone else has to live with me, and therefore live with it… when it was just affecting me, it wasn’t such a big deal.

Now, I might not be suffering from depression after all.  Self diagnosis is a fool’s game.  But I have been poking around, reading about it, and did three of the surveys on the beyondblue website – all of which had alarming results.

I scored 43 on the K10 test, which is ‘high risk’.  I scored 8 on the DSM, which again indicates high risk. On the SPHERE Questionnaire, I scored 26 – a score of 3 or more indicates a possibility of a depressive illness.

So, I’m going to see a doctor.  I probably didn’t need the tests to tell me to be worried, to be honest – any one who has known me for a decent length of time will be able to tell you that I am horribly indecisive, blame myself for most everything that goes wrong, have little faith in my abilities, and am always very confused when people say they actually like me.  Since I have felt these things for as long as I can remember, I always assumed they were normal.  Apparently, it’s not normal at all.

I read some studies that think depression and other depressive illnesses may be sometimes caused by genetics.  If so, that would make a lot of sense.  My mother and my maternal grandmother both have been diagnosed with depression.  My paternal grandmother, and one of her sisters, both had nervous breakdowns (I am sure there is a proper medical term, but I don’t know what it is… that i just what the family have always referred to it as) at a young age.  I don’t have any memories of my grandmother actually speaking.  She rarely left the house, and spent most of her time attending to domestic duties in absolute silence.  My father, and both my grandfathers, were alcoholics.  Thankfully my father is not as bad as either of my grandfathers…. I guess he is what you would call a ‘functioning alcoholic’ – he holds down a good job, does everything that people are ‘meant’ to do… he just also drinks.  A lot.  Every day.  So, yeah, if that sort of stuff is passed down the gene pool, well… I might have been kinda screwed from the get go!

So, like I said, I am going to see a doctor.  I’ve put everyone else through enough torment, between my irrational anger, perpetual crying, and everything else.  I wasn’t really sure if I should post about it, but I figured that more people should be open about this sort of thing – if it didn’t feel so shameful, like admitting I have a weakness or something, I might have sought help long ago.  Rationally, I know that depression is an illness, not a sign of weak character or anything like that.  But for some reason, I can’t see it that way when it comes to myself.  Maybe more people talking about it openly will help, and I hope me writing about my experiences will help others.

Anyway, off to the doctor hopefully this week!  I call on Wednesday to try and get an appointment (being Christmas, they aren’t actually open until then), and I will try and cajole and wheedle my way into one ASAP.  Wish me luck!

Tags: Depression, Seeking Help

If you couldn’t work it out from the title… I’m talking about periods.  Or, as I like to refer to it, “The wonderful gushing confirmation of a non-violated uterus.  Baby not on board!”

This ad has been on TV a lot lately, and it has been bugging the heck out of me. 

Kotex, the wonderful company that they are, decided to do some research into periods.  Apparently, 72% of us wear our daggy undies when we have our period, which seems to be the singular most important finding they made. 

Kotex seem to believe this is because we are scared of our pads leaking or some such thing.  Can’t be ruining your good underpants now!

Well, I don’t actually know about the rest of the menstruating community… but pad leakage is one of the furthest things from my mind when I choose my knickers in the morning.

I’m thinking about more important things.  Like the fact I have bloated to the size of a small car.  Or the fact I just don’t want lace anywhere near my nether regions.  Or the fact that my big, baggy undies are the most comfortable things in the universe.

So, make your pads as leak proof as you like.  That’s pretty awesome. But I am still going to be wearing my daggy undies, regardless.

Please inform me – is this just me?  Really? 

Tags: Daggy Undies, Kotex, Menstruation, Pads

There are many many things which are absolutely amazing to me right now.  One of them being the absolute stupidity of the Kardashians.  And how much money they earn for being stupid.  Gah!

See, here’s little old me.  Dreaming big dreams of buying my dream house, and secretly sobbing because I know that, by the time I save the deposit, said house will probably be gone. 

Then we have KK.  Who made $12 million last year.  I’m not sure how she made that much money, because I am 99% certain that making a sex tape and entering an ill advised and very short marriage would result in me losing most of my money, not to mention dignity, pride, and general, well, me-ness. 

Not that I haven’t contemplated it, mind you.  I have been pondering a number of schemes to raise money in a short time, and most of them haven’t been feasible.

Bank robbery:  I run far too slowly, and I am pretty sure banks don’t actually have large amounts of cash on hand any more.

Phone Sex Operator: seriously considered this.  I have strong doubts about my ability to sound sexy, I don’t know if I could handle listening to strange things without giggling, and I think the boy might perhaps object.  And I doubt it actually makes anyone a lot of money, really.

Win the lottery: Not really something you can plan for.  Also requires me to buy lottery tickets.  Or to steal them, but most people I see buying lottery tickets are old ladies, and that would make me feel bad.

Sell my stuff:  Who is going to pay a decent amount for any of my crap?  I’m already selling my car, and that’s not getting me anywhere! (P.S. – if anyone is in the market for a zippy small car, let me know)

Sell my eggs: Would totally do this.  Except I don’t think we have people who buy eggs in Australia, since I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to sell reproductive, um, matter here.  And I don’t think anyone would want my crazy ass eggs anyway.

Meet a rich and generous benefactor: Not even worth considering.

Make money from blogging: Bahahahahaha… blogging, the least profitable venture in the universe!  Unless I learn to be interesting, and write well, and market myself, and write every day, and all that jazz.

So, while the idea of my dream house is awesome… I don’t think I’m going to be able to Kardashian it and become rich and famous for no apparent reason at all.  Dang it.

Tags: dreams, house, Kardashianising Life, money

1 week.

62 teenagers.

16 hours on a bus there.

3 theme parks.

4 escapees.

15 hours on a bus back.

14 hours sleep.  All week.

1 case of bad sunburn.

55 pizzas.

150 sausages.

1 000 000 steps at White Water World (or something similar, I’m sure!)

4 000 kilometres travelled.

Got to love school excursion week!

Tags: Excursion