Snarks and Ladders

There are many many things which are absolutely amazing to me right now.  One of them being the absolute stupidity of the Kardashians.  And how much money they earn for being stupid.  Gah!

See, here’s little old me.  Dreaming big dreams of buying my dream house, and secretly sobbing because I know that, by the time I save the deposit, said house will probably be gone. 

Then we have KK.  Who made $12 million last year.  I’m not sure how she made that much money, because I am 99% certain that making a sex tape and entering an ill advised and very short marriage would result in me losing most of my money, not to mention dignity, pride, and general, well, me-ness. 

Not that I haven’t contemplated it, mind you.  I have been pondering a number of schemes to raise money in a short time, and most of them haven’t been feasible.

Bank robbery:  I run far too slowly, and I am pretty sure banks don’t actually have large amounts of cash on hand any more.

Phone Sex Operator: seriously considered this.  I have strong doubts about my ability to sound sexy, I don’t know if I could handle listening to strange things without giggling, and I think the boy might perhaps object.  And I doubt it actually makes anyone a lot of money, really.

Win the lottery: Not really something you can plan for.  Also requires me to buy lottery tickets.  Or to steal them, but most people I see buying lottery tickets are old ladies, and that would make me feel bad.

Sell my stuff:  Who is going to pay a decent amount for any of my crap?  I’m already selling my car, and that’s not getting me anywhere! (P.S. – if anyone is in the market for a zippy small car, let me know)

Sell my eggs: Would totally do this.  Except I don’t think we have people who buy eggs in Australia, since I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to sell reproductive, um, matter here.  And I don’t think anyone would want my crazy ass eggs anyway.

Meet a rich and generous benefactor: Not even worth considering.

Make money from blogging: Bahahahahaha… blogging, the least profitable venture in the universe!  Unless I learn to be interesting, and write well, and market myself, and write every day, and all that jazz.

So, while the idea of my dream house is awesome… I don’t think I’m going to be able to Kardashian it and become rich and famous for no apparent reason at all.  Dang it.

Well, I’m lying in bed with what could only be described as some nasty bug that causes explosive splatters from both ends of the body (where’s the fun in blogging if you can’t share a little too much information occasionally?) I did have a glum and dreary post all lined up for today, but I don’t feel like I am in the right state of mind for that after all.

Lately, I’ve been really thinking I want a baby. Of course, it is the worst possible time in my life to want to fall pregnant – single, in debt, all that jazz – but I can’t help feeling like I want a baby anyway. Which is weird, because for most of my life (up to maybe the last year or so) I have always been really anti-baby. And I still get steamed if people suggest that a woman SHOULD have a baby. Because, really, we are a hell of a lot more than walking incubators, regardless of what some people think.

I know that there are ways to have a baby without being in a relationship. I guess the issue is, none of these are ways that I am particularly enamored with. I don’t really want some mysterious guy to be a part of my child’s life. Or even a not so mysterious guy who didn’t appeal to me as a partner. The whole ‘sperm donor’ thing is expensive, problematic, and for no real reason gives me the heebie jeebies.

Of course, I’m not going to go out and try to get myself knocked up anyway. This isn’t what this whole thing is about. But it is weird that I want a baby bad enough to have started thinking about options which reflect my current lifestyle. Weird and worrying. And I’ve been nesting! NESTING! What is this world coming to?

So, I have finally learned a valuable lesson.  It is never a good idea to give a compulsive shopaholic large credit card limits.

For many many years, I managed my credit cards well.  I paid everything that was owing before the end of the month, never had interest charges, and everything worked out fine and dandy.  Then I moved out here (funnily, where I thought I would SAVE money), got hit by a nasty case of depression and anxiety, and tried to solve the problem through buying lots and lots of stuff.  Of course, this just compounded the anxiety, as my debt piled higher, and so I spent more and more.  We all have our coping mechanisms, people!

Anyway, I am now at the following point.  I like to think of it as the edge of the Crumbling Precipice of Doom.

Monthly Income After Tax: 2200

Monthly Expenses: 1000ish?

Credit Card Debt A: 8000

Credit Card Debt B: 4500

Personal Loan Debt: 8000

Savings: 0

So, my plan was to move to Canada and get a working tourist visa in two years time.  To be able to do that, I need to have paid off all this debt, then saved an additional ten thousand dollars on top of it.  So, basically, I need to set aside thirty thousand dollars over the next two years.  I am pretty sure this is possible, but I think it means I am going to have to live the life of a monk.

 Well, I guess I can no longer live like my hero.

So, I made an appointment to go into the bank today.  The plan is to ask them if I can consolidate my debt (see how I used appropriate financial fancy words there?), so that I am not getting eaten alive by interest.  They should let me with at least the 8k credit card debt, since, hello, I owe them that money anyway.  Credit Card B could be a different matter, as it is through a different bank.  I guess I would just focus on paying it off ASAP so I could cancel it.

Then, I’ll cut the limit down on Credit Card A to about 4k.  Enough that I can book an overseas holiday without hassle (since, yes, you need credit cards to book flights and accommodation and all that nonsense).  I’m considering making the change to a debit card, but I think I might wait a little while before I do that.

So, anyway, I will update later with information about how the dreaded bank appointment went.  In the meantime, I’m going to go panic and cry on the lounge.

Update!!!

Well, a loan to pay off all my debts is approved in principal.  I just need to go down there and supply some paperwork (panic!  I don’t HAVE all that paperwork!), and then I should be set within a couple of days.  The repayments are even manageable, leaving me with more than enough money each fortnight.  At the moment the plan is to pay the fortnightly payment I negotiated with the bank, then to split whatever is left the day before payday evenly between my savings account and the loan, so that I can build up some savings AND pay extra off the loan.  Let’s hope it all works out!