Snarks and Ladders

Since it’s the end of the week, and I am getting increasingly … non-articulate (shut up, it’s a word, OK?), not to mention lacking most any creativity at all currently (something I am putting down to the tragic loss of my glasses, so I’ve had a killer headache for the past couple of days), we are getting a boring ol’ list post of random shit I have been doing.

• Work has been somewhat monstrous, with nasty comments that a friend and I have been making about the staffroom bully getting back to said staffroom bully.  Bound to be awkward and messy, but it serves me right for not following what I tell the children – stop your bloody bitching about one another!
• Tax return came through, huzzah!
• Tax return rapidly spent on bills.  Still haven’t paid off all of said bills, but I guess it’s a small chunk out.
• I found $35 in my PlayStation Network wallet, so I spent it on old old games I remember from my childhood.  I foresee a relaxed afternoon in my future.
• Juggling social commitments in order to not disappoint anyone merely leads to you having a boring stressful night.
• People should not have BBQ’s, have everyone start drinking, and then announce when we are half drunk that ‘Oh, the boyfriend’s family is all coming out too, so you know’.  Would be fine if two of the boyfriend’s siblings weren’t my students.  Awkward.
• I have bleughcy* regrowth.  I look like a skunk.
• Kamiko and Socks are getting along wonderfully.  They are playing outside as I speak.  Now I just need to get Suki to be happy and I am set.
• It’s my Mum’s birthday today.  I called her, and she sounded very cheerful, which was nice.
• Only a week to go until I get a week off have to go away for training for a few days.  I’m looking forward to it, kinda.
• Apparently my boss is planning on leaving at the end of the year.  I am slightly excited.  I am also slightly terrified that the staffroom bully will become my new boss.  Can’t win no matter which way you look at it! (unless, of course, I get the job hehehe.  Highly unlikely).
• I can’t afford to go to Blizzcon at this point.  This makes me incredibly sad, but I guess it is high time I grew up and was sensible about something for once.  The thought of being sensible isn’t doing much to cure the sad, however.

* also a word.  Shhhh.

I’ve been updating my music collection, but I am looking for suggestions for things I should listen to.  People usually have trouble with this – I don’t have a set ‘genre’ that I like.  So, instead, I’d like you to list 5 things you would recommend to a friend, and what is so great about them.  It could be an artist, an album… whatever.  I’m just looking to expand my horizons some.

And no, I’m not telling you what I already listen to.  That might ruin the whole ‘expanding’ thing, because you’ll all subconsciously tailor it to suit what I like.

Fire away!

I realised that I spend far too much time in this blog grumbling and crying and carrying on.  So, today I am going to focus on 8 things which make me smile.  And by smile, I mean grin like a ridiculous cheshire cat-human hybrid creature without the awesome disappearing properties.

1.  Having wonderful friends that don’t object to me dancing for the hell of it, all by myself.

That photo is absolute proof that I can not dance to save my life, yet not a single person laughed or said anything, and I am sure I enjoyed myself doing it.  If only I could remember…

2.  Eternal Optimism

Every week, I enter one of the Pioneer Woman’s contests.  Every week, I hope and hope that I will win.  And when I don’t, I shrug philosophically and enter again the next week!

Awesome kitchen goods, one day you WILL be mine….

3  Tattoos and Piercings are <3

Even if I don’t end up being able to afford it, just the thought of getting a new tattoo or piercing is enough to make my heart lift a little.  It was an addiction that started when I was 18 and got my first tattoo (the day before my HSC exams commenced, when I probably should have been studying, but oh well).  Almost 7 years on, and I’ve planned out my third tattoo, and will hopefully be adding to my piercing collection (look out ears, I’m going to make swiss cheese of you!)

Of course, I have to be conservative.  I do work in a profession which requires me to look, well, unfortunately, how people expect me to look.  So no dramatic facial piercings.  No overly large tattoos.  Conforming to some stupid ‘standard’ irritates the hell out of me, but what can a girl do?

And hey… you know you want something when you are willing to bleed for it.

The birds that happen to rest over a bone, by the way?  OMG OWOWOWOWOW.  And it looks much nicer now, but recent photos are hard to find… and have you ever tried to take a photo of your own back?

4.  My Wonderful Mother.

The woman who engulfs me in a giant bear hug every time I come home.  The woman who really doesn’t understand why I do the things I do, but loves me anyway.  The woman who bent over backwards trying to find me a good psychologist because she knows I don’t have the strength to do it myself.  The woman who always tells me I’m wonderful, no matter what.

5.  My girls.

You’ve seen the kitty shots, you don’t need to see them again, right?

Naughty Suki is naughty.  Yet utterly adorable.

Kamiko is little miss personality.  She’s pushy, bossy, moody, and inclined to seek revenge if she doesn’t get her own way.  And that is JUST the way I like her.

6.  Cooking.

You should all have gathered by now, I really love to talk about cooking.  Take pictures of cooking.  Eat my cooking.  Ponder how I could improve my cooking.

There is nothing more wonderful than taking handfuls of raw ingredients, chopping, mixing, whipping away until it comes out as something much more fantastic than the sum of its parts.

7.  Twitter and IM clients.

You all know I live in the middle of nowhere.  I’m somewhat socially awkward (if that first photo doesn’t SCREAM socially awkward, I don’t know what does), and that awkwardness is further hampered by the fact that every time I go out, I seem to be forced into conversation with the parents of my students. 

So, the internet is my lifeline to people that I love.  And, surprisingly, most of the people I love I met on the internet.   If I ever develop teleporting powers, the people on the internet would be the first people I would visit; their homes the first place I would go.  I am pretty sure they would expect nothing less.

It also gives me such a range of people to share experiences with.  To smile with when something in their life works out.  To cry with when something goes wrong.  To celebrate with and to discuss things with.  If anything, my life is richer because of these people.

No, this doesn’t mean I’m ‘sad’ or ‘a loser’.  It means I’m not afraid of forming meaningful relationships in different ways to others.  I like to think that makes myself, and all my friends, rather special.

8.  Memories.

I have had some fantastic experiences in my life.  Even when things don’t pan out, it’s nice to remember that, once upon a time, I felt like that, and it felt wonderful.

Like the time I convinced myself that, if I REALLY wanted it, I’d be able to fly.  That jump off the trampoline felt fantastic for the split second I was in the air, believing it had actually worked, and I was soaring.  The subsequent thud to earth did not do anything to ruin that – it just convinced me I had to try harder next time.

Some of the experiences I had while travelling.  I actually managed to let someone in to my life for a couple of weeks, which is really unusual for me, and I never felt happier.  Sure, it worked out rather horribly in the end.  But the fact that I managed to trust someone, and let myself care about someone, is well worth remembering, as is the perpetual grin I had on my face for those two weeks.

The time I went skydiving.  It’s very hard to worry about anything when you are free falling from a plane!

So, try and think of something wonderful in your life.  Something that made you smile!

1. The inevitable article in a women’s magazine focusing solely on how Julia Gillard redecorates The Lodge and Kirribilli House (The Prime Minister’s residences).  Because she’s a woman, so that’s clearly important, right?
2. Getting asked at work by the kiddies how Friday night was.  I have vague memories of puking in the gutter walking home and babbling really loudly, and no doubt someone saw me.  Oh, embarrassment, I know you so well!
3. The idiot at work who is hitting on an ex-student with a boyfriend.  I was going to add to that sentence, but everything about it is pissing me off.  I lambasted him last night after he denied all responsibility and said ‘oh, it’s her, I’ve tried to set boundaries!’  (Dude, you are messaging her up to 20 times a day at work.  I’d say you are doing more than your fair share in this matter).
4. Cleaning my bathroom.
5. Realising I worked my way through most of my vodka supply in one night.  Way to save money there, idiot!
6. Going back to my parents’ for a week.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Mum and Dad to bits, but I’ve gotten used to living alone, and being in a house full of people gives me the heebie jeebies.
7. The cats are mad at me for going out so much.  The revenge will be swift, merciless, and probably stinky.
8. My boss assing his way into a promotion he doesn’t deserve.  ‘Cos life is like that!

I am suffering from oversubscriptionitis.  Suddenly, it doesn’t matter what people are talking about, I just don’t care.  Hell, it could be the most important issue in the world, and I don’t give two hoots.

My political blogs are full of graphs which make my head hurt.  My feminist blogs are full of big words.  My gaming blogs are full of stuff I just don’t care about at the moment, and my personal blogs are just… aargh.  If it’s sad I just can’t bring myself to read it, if it’s funny I might… and if it’s full of photos I won’t even bother.

I guess I’m just getting a case of the ‘needs a holiday’ blahs.  And then I read stuff which makes me feel bad for needing a holiday, because I actually have it pretty easy all in all.  I have a job I like at least 50% of the time. I don’t have kids or a significant other to worry about.  I just have the cats and a stupidly large shoe collection.

But, you know what?  I’m tired of thinking ‘but that person has it so easy.  What could they whine about?’  And I’m tired of people saying it about me, and saying it about other people.  Everyone has their own shit to deal with, and yeah, some people’s lives might suck more than others, but at the end of the day no one has a perfect life, and no one has the right to dismiss anyone else’s problems.

I don’t really know what I am trying to say here.  I guess I’m just tired of beating myself up about being tired.  And I’m tired of other people dismissing it, and I’m tired of dismissing other peoples problems.

Also: I’m playing futsal tonight, and there won’t be any vuvuzelas.  This makes me sad.

Image shamelessly stolen from Ballina RSL Club

I did have a different blog post in mind today (I’ve had a couple of very eventful days), but this is more important.  Today is ANZAC Day in Australia and New Zealand, a day where we recognise and honour the sacrifice made by our soldiers since World War I.

Australia was called to war a mere 13 years after Federation.  We were a young country, seeking our identity.  Much of that identity was forged through the war, in bloody battles and sacrifice throughout Europe and Asia.  The battle that is most often linked with the Australian ANZAC legend is, of course, Gallipoli.

The Gallipoli campaign was the brainchild of the British and French command.  The objective was to land on the Turkish coast, sweep around and capture Constantinople and cut off Turkish sea routes, effectively removing Turkey from the war. Instead, through a series of mess ups, outright screw ups, and hard headed thinking, ANZAC troops got caught in a disasterous campaign that resulted in the loss of thousands of lives and, eventually, withdrawal from the Gallipoli peninsula.

It all started when the ships carrying the soldiers landed in the wrong location.  Instead of landing somewhere nice and flat and safe, they landed at the Gallipoli peninsula, characterised by a large cliff face right near the shore, and a small beach to land on.  Many ANZAC troops were shot before they made it out of the water.  The beach strip was under heavy fire from Turkish soldiers at the top of the cliff.

The Australian and New Zealand troops, along with many other Allied soldiers, were then engaged in a bloody series of trench battles, many of which they could never hope to win.  Waves of men were sent over the top, charging face first towards an enemy to try and capture their trenches and gain valuable ground.  More often than not, this was an utterly futile exercise.  Despite this, the ANZACS remained brave and steadfast, earning them the respect of the enemy even in death.

On the 25th of April, the anniversary of the landing at Anzac Cove and the beginnings of the Gallipoli campaign, Australians recognise the sacrifice made by our soldiers past and present.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them.

Lest we forget.

I made a drunken fucking mistake.  Quite literally. 

The other night, I got roped into going to this bloody cocktail night thing for the showgirls.  I can’t really say that mock beauty pageants are really my scene, but two of my friends were participating, so I was essentially forced into going to support them.  I almost got out of it, as I couldn’t afford a ticket, but I was informed (with only an hour to get ready!) that someone miraculously had a spare. 

Anyway, I had a bottle and some of wine before I left.  Then I polished off a few more while I was there.  So, I staggered back home, and a friend came along to watch a movie and chill out and drink even more wine.  Because over 4 bottles worth wasn’t enough, apparently.

Well, without going into gory details… I made the most stereotypical of all drunken mistakes.  On the mistake scale, this one is definitely a ten.  Kinda like that weird little game on The Price Is Right, where you have the mountain climber?  And you need to stop close to the correct price, or he goes plummeting over the edge?  Well, that was me, tumbling down that rocky cliff face.  What the HELL was I thinking?

I can’t even blame it on being drunk, because that feels like a ridiculous cop out.  All I remember was saying over and over and over again what a bad idea it was, how it was a stupid stupid idea and I wasn’t interested and blah blah blah… and then, a few hours later… yeah.  What the hell?  Did my brain take a nap? 

So, of course, it was completely not worth it.  I’m not at all attracted to him, it has now made me feel very awkward whenever I see him, and it wasn’t even very good.  In fact, I can safely say it was pretty much the worst bedroom experience I have ever had in my life, and that includes the time I fell off the bed and got a concussion.

I mean, on a scale from heavenly to absolute hellish shite:

<—  Caring, considerate ex with AWESOME body.  I only suspect it was always good because we only saw each other every couple of months.  But, good is good!

<—  Well endowed ex.  Would be higher if he wasn’t TOO well endowed. Owie.

<— time an ex managed to come in his own eye, solely for the hilarity factor.

<— First time.  Ew.

<— Concussion.  Turns out I’m not even safe on a bed.

<— The other night.  Drunk, messy, and 5 minutes long.

Now I just feel a weird combination of self-loathing, disgust and misery.  Perhaps it’s just because this is the first time I have done something so colossally stupid.  It will be the last bloody time as well, and I made that quite clear. 

Good lord, I am an idiot.  /facepalm

I often have a daydream where I can blog.  I don’t mean ‘I write blog posts’, because I do that all the time anyway.  I mean, where I can really, truly blog.  Where I can actually articulate all these thoughts that run through my mind, that sound incredibly profound and meaningful and all that shit.  Because, instead, I get something that is similar to Fry’s ability to play the holophoner.

Sometimes, I get incredibly frustrated.  I hate lacking words.  Especially as an English major – if anyone is meant to be good at twisting words around and making them suit a purpose, that person is supposed to be me.  Instead, I can’t do more than paint horrible representations of what I am meant to be saying. 

However, it doesn’t stop me from appreciating things when I do come across them.  Things that are absolutely beautiful.  I guess this one needs a bit of a preface.

I have a friend who would have to be the most pessimistic person in the known universe.  To such a point that he doesn’t even dare take a risk because he’s afraid that it won’t turn out well.  Of course, this means we are perpetually at odds (what with me being a hopeful, optimistic soul), and he drives me batshit crazy more often than not.  However, if the world has shown me anything, it’s that it is very simple to be miserable.  No effort required, just sit around and mope about how much your life sucks.  Being happy, on the other hand?  That takes effort, and courage.  That takes the ability to be an adult, to look the world square in the face and say ‘This might not work out.  It might be very likely to fail.  But I am never going to know unless I give it a shot, and you know, I am going to grab at that chance for happiness with both hands and see where it takes me’. 

Anyway, I read a beautiful book today, and it made me think of him.  If I had my way, I would make every person I know read this book, so they could appreciate the message behind it.  The Simple Gift is a YA novel, so it’s not especially complex, and it is a fairly easy read.  The author makes use of free verse poetry to tell his story, so it walks that middle ground that appeals to most teenagers – the flow of poetry, but the ‘ease’ of prose.  It’s a simple tale, but the message behind it (one of hope, essentially) almost moved me to tears.  It’s about a sixteen year old boy, with a life that is horribly similar to the lives many of my students live.  He decides that he wants out, he wants to be somewhere else… which means running away from home with little more than the clothes on his back and becoming homeless.  At his most difficult times, he discovers human kindness.  As he scrambles to survive, he discovers love and companionship.  People take risks and do things that take a lot of courage, just for the sake of being happy.  It reminded me just how much potential there is in people, if only we could learn to act upon things instead of sitting on our hands and complaining.

I guess that, for me, this book just reinforced my life outlook.  More than anything, it makes me wish that people would realise that happiness rarely comes and finds us.  We have to go out and find it ourselves.

It also made me wish I didn’t totally suck ass at writing!

For those of you who aren’t in the know, a PMI Analysis is a frustrating little tool that businesses and educators use to make people miserable.  Basically, you are asked to assess something (seriously, it could be anything.  Like Green Hats), and state the pluses, minuses, and interesting factors of said something.  I hate doing them at work, but I also get a kick out of making the kids do them (especially once, when I had an extra, and it was a Health lesson – let’s do a PMI on STD’s!)

Anyway, I thought it would be good fun to do one on my life.  I’d tag people to do one and what not, but I never do that on this blog.  So, feel free to do one if you like.

Pluses

– I have an edumacation, for what it is worth.  And it was free, since I sold my soul to my employer.

– I am relatively fit and healthy.

– I’m pretty sure I only hit one or two branches of the ugly tree when I fell out of it.

– My Ninja Robot T-Shirt fits again.  The awesomeness of this shirt can not be understated

-  I have some pretty awesome friends, who help prop me up when I do stupid shit.

– I am able to indulge in random blogging as much as I want because I have the right to mouth off about shit without getting shot.

– I have 3 very cute animals who love me just enough that they wont eat me alive.

– I have met some great people over the internet over the last 2 years, who I consider to be just as wonderful friends as the people I meet in real life.

– I’m gainfully employed.

– I’ve managed to travel outside my country – more than once!

Minuses

– I have a tendency to make a total twat of myself, especially when drinking.

– I seem to have lost my ability to refrain from making emotional outbursts.

– I have NO money.  At all.  Damn my financial irresponsibility!

– I get way too emotionally attached to people, and have difficulty turning it off.  This causes PROBLEMS (in caps.  Oh yes, big big problems).

– I hate the fact that my timezone is incompatible with most of the people I talk to.  WT transport where I live to the US.

-  I’m a walking cliché: blonde and ditzy.

Interesting

– Moving out here has increased my alcohol consumption quite a bit.  I don’t know if this belongs under plus or minus.

– I’m endlessly optimistic, but I like to occasionally act pessimistic.  People seem to find pessimism more realistic for some reason.

– According to past reviews, I am the ‘Best Girlfriend In the Whole World’.  Seriously.  Not sure why I am so awesome, but there you have it.  I kick ass at relationships.

– I hate green food.  If it’s green and not candy, I won’t eat it (generally speaking).  I do make exceptions for baby spinach, lettuce, jelly, and cabbage (is cabbage even really green?)

– Like most women, I have a love/hate relationship with my boobs.  I have threatened to have them lopped off many times, but I can’t afford the surgery.  That and they hold my dresses up.

– I resist the temptation every day to tell the world about this blog.  One of these days I will crack, and everything will come tumbling down in a mess.

– I think I am only miserable about being single because I want someone I can’t have.  When I am single and not infatuated with someone, I really don’t care.

– I’m completely unashamed of the fact I am a bit of a bogan.  I like football, car racing, some tattoos, going to the pub, and rock and metal.  And I live in the bloody Outback – can’t get much more bogan than that!

– I dream of the day where someone says they want to make the trek out to visit me.  Who ISN’T my family.

– I seem to enjoy sending long emails.  They are my equivalent of long walks on the beach.  (It’s actually because I feel more comfortable communicating stuff if I can get it out in one long spiel.  And because I am disgustingly verbose – waaaay too many words, people).

– Seeing people hurt or upset really distresses me.  To the point where I actually feel ill.

One of these days, I’ll be happy with where I am.

One of these days, I’ll find a partner who appreciates me as much as I appreciate them.

One of these days, I’ll be wise enough to fall for the RIGHT man.

One of these days, my house will be perfect.

One of these days, my cats will get along.

One of these days, I might have a child to love and care for.

One of these days, I will succeed at going on a diet.

One of these days, I’ll be happy with how I look so I won’t need a diet.

One of these days, a student will show that they appreciate having a teacher.

One of these days, I’ll know how to encourage my students.

One of these days, I’ll feel cheerful more than half the time.

One of these days, I’ll learn how to be assertive and get what I want.

What will you do, one of these days?