Snarks and Ladders

• to sleep, perchance to dream… or at least to get a nap! #
• Hard decisions are hard. Just thought I’d share that amazing piece of insight! #
• I ate all my tic tacs! Nooooooooooooo #
• Had a fooking rip roaring awesome day at work today. Champion report writer, right here… not to mention speed marker! #
• Finally to bed. Could not fix issues I was working on. No luck talking to the semi-BF properly. Disappointing night! #
• Humph, so his early is SO not early… it’s 20 to 9 his time, and is he up yet? Noooope… unless he didn’t look at the computer #
• http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Black_Books endless early morning amusement! #
• So, since I went away for 2 days, and the cat hasn’t had her outside time, she is hating me. It’s painful (literally) #
• Forgot to put the bins out tonight. Now pissing down rain and the neighbours locked the front gate. I am going to be soaked #
• Both blogs updated. I so totally achieved something tonight! Like, yeah, totally *twirls bubblegum and hair all at once* #
• Got back from the big smoke today. Had to sit with boss in car for 4 hours. Devoured 2 bags of maltesers to survive #

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So, here I am, about to whine about the one thing that I swore I would never whine about again on the internet – my love life.

I really really hate reading posts on other blogs where people whinge and bitch and moan about how much their love life sucks, about how nobody loves them, about how their partner treats them like crap, and so on and so forth, yadayadayada.  How god damn boring!  Of course, since this is my life, and my life is infinitely more awesome than the average Joe’s (or at least more interesting in my opinion), I am going to sit here and twaddle on about how god damn over it all I am!

Feel free to stop reading at this point and skip to the Summary at the bottom.  Especially since I will no doubt end up going into all sorts of details that you may not want to know about!

I think that the best way to do this, honestly, is to write it as the letter that I am always tempted to write (because I can never bring myself to say anything when we are talking, heaven only knows why).  So, here goes nothing

Dear <insert random name here… any name you like at all!>,

I have been meaning to talk to you about this for a long time.  Really, I have.  Even though it’s only been a couple months, the last two or three weeks have been (frankly speaking) that bad that something just has to be done.

You make me incredibly unhappy.  Now, don’t go over reacting… it’s not like you have specifically done anything.  To be perfectly honest, you have done nothing.  At all.  In doing nothing you are making it very difficult for me to balance the ridiculous amount of distance between us with the enjoyment I would get out of being in a relationship with you.

This whole week gone, we barely spoke.  I know I was away for a couple days, and that was understandable.  But then, after I got home, I made the time (and sometimes it was awfully difficult for me to make the time and it often involved me doing really bad things like skipping meals, not getting work done, not sleeping properly, or not being able to do ANYTHING at all for fear you might be able to talk for once and I’d miss it!), and you still made excuses and avoided talking to me.

Yes, I know I am being unfair.  It IS obscenely late when I am able to talk.  By the time I get home from work it’s usually already midnight for you.  You probably do try your best, and I have no doubt you are tired and wanting to sleep.  It Is unfair of me to demand your time like that.

When else are we supposed to talk though?

Then, I look forward to the weekends, because that’s a whole day, and surely some conversation would be able to fit in there somewhere!  One would think so!

But… you spend the whole day watching House.  Then playing games.  Then by the time you stop it’s time for you to go to sleep again.  You assure me that we will get to talk tomorrow after I eventually tell you to get to bed because it’s 3am and you are snoring on the other end of the line.  Too bad that’s what you have been saying all week.

Yes, this is the first week where we haven’t talked at all.  It’s not like it’s USUAL.  But the conversation has been dropping off more and more.  If we aren’t fooling around (as much as one can fool around on the phone, and that is painful within itself!), you just aren’t that interested.  Or at least I get that impression.  It always has been:  talk for one or two hours.  Fool around.  Hang up.  Not fun at all.

This isn’t even to mention the fact that if this ever works it has basically been implicitly stated that I have to be the one to give up most everything.  I have the job which is easier to pick up anywhere, so I have to be the one to move overseas for the rest of my life.  Fair enough, one of us has to do it.  I have to be the one to go over there to visit, at least initially, because I am the one with a job, and you are a student.  That wouldn’t bother me at all if you should any interest whatsoever in visiting me.  You know what?  Going to the US has never been high on my ‘places to go’ list.  It featured much more on ‘Places I don’t much want to go to’.  And yes, you never wanted to go to Australia, and you aren’t big on travel, but by showing no interest in where I come from, you are showing no interest in a pretty big part of me.  At least I am making the effort.  Ridiculous of me to feel that way?  Probably.  But I do.

So, I have to move away from my family.  Work in a country I don’t have very fond feelings for.  Can’t actually LIVE with you unless/until we get married, since your family are all strict Catholics and that would be just hideous and heinous and horrible apparently, so I have to move out, to a totally different country, where I don’t really know anyone or where things are or ANYTHING at all, on my own.  Wooooonderful!

Really, I’d love for this to work.  Really, I would.  But unless you show some signs of being willing to reach some sort of middle ground, well… I don’t think it’s going to.  No matter how much I love you.

Summary for those who didn’t want to read the whole convoluted mess:  I don’t think we spend enough time talking, I resent that I have to give up basically my whole life for this to work, and I just don’t think it’s fair.  But I love him anyway because I am a total idiot.  And I am probably being really unfair here at the moment and showing a really unbalanced view, but that’s how I bloody feel so I don’t really care.  I just needed to vent.

Relationships are such a pain in the ass.

I have a confession to make.  It’s a confession which is totally unsubstantiated as of yet, but, well, deep down inside, I know it’s true.

I have been in denial.

A couple of years ago, my mother was diagnosed with Depression.  She has always said that I should go to the doctor to talk about things, but I am as stubborn as a mule and refuse to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with me.  I don’t WANT to have a mental illness, I don’t WANT to have to take drugs to improve my state of mind, I don’t WANT to think I have a problem.

I have never looked down upon my mother (or my grandmother, or anyone else for that matter) for having depression.  A close friend of mine at work was also diagnosed very recently (oddly, I found out about this the day after I had resolved to go to the doctor), and she said the doctor told her one in four Australians suffer from Depression.

That’s pretty damning.

I want to know, how many people are out there who are just like me?  Who refuse to seek help, because they don’t want to be perceived as being ‘dependent on a drug to be happy’ ‘weak’, or ‘mentally disturbed’?

As I said, I have no idea whether I actually have depression or not.  The whole of my assumption is based on the following things

• I have gone from being incredibly motivated in my job to not caring at all
• I can not sleep at night
• I can not bring myself to get out of bed in the morning
• I have called in sick for work more times this year than I ever had in the past 5
• I don’t enjoy any hobbies
• I dread the thought of socialising
• I can occasionally be incredibly happy, but very small things suddenly bring me crashing down
• I have no appetite
• I find it difficult to be motivated to do anything at all

Even if I am not depressed, there is something fundamentally wrong in my life.  I need to fix these issues.  I hate that I have gone from an incredibly motivated person to one who just doesn’t care about anything and second guesses herself all the time.  I don’t know how much of this I can take.

So, I spent the last couple of days drooling over babies.  Not in a ‘I want to eat them’ kinda way (has it ever freaked you out when a granny said ‘She’s so cute I could just gobble her up!’?), just in a ‘My hormones are totally fucking with my rational side and I want to be pregnant and I want it NAOW damn it’ way.

See, under normal circumstances… I really don’t like kids.  Screw the ‘small adult’ theory – they are small, they are smelly, they can’t hold a conversation without mentioning poop, and they dribble food all over their clothes.

… OK, maybe the small adult theory has some credibility.

Well, of course, this happened to coincide with my trip away to the big smoke.  So, after a week of seeing every single god damn person I know babbling on Facebook about being knocked up or ready to pop, I managed to come face to face with babies everywhere.  There was no escape.  Every second person was pushing a pram, or balancing a 5 course meal on their protruding stomachs while talking about diapers and cravings all at once.    While doing this they were absentmindedly wiping vomit from their mutant child’s face, then running their hand through their hair, or grabbing food and eating it.  urgh.

Said child would of course be caterwauling, throwing shit, and carrying on like a spoilt little sack of crap.  People would walk past and coo at it, encouraging said caterwauling.  Lots of said caterwauling and said cooing made me feel like I was going to vomit.  Of course, that would hardly induce coos.

None of this seemed to get rid of my urge to tackle a man and demand he get me impregnated.   So, I went for a walk.  A nice, calming walk, past all the shops where I could look at the awesome things I could not afford if I had a kid.  Shoes, clothes, food that wasn’t two minute noodles…

Then, there’s a fucking baby store.  Cutest store you’d ever seen, with beautiful god damn furniture in the window.  Rocking cradle?  Hell yes I want that!  Rocking nursing chair?  For sure, what woman DOESN’T dream about some hungry greedy spawn being attached to her tit?  I wanted it all!

Thankfully, reality prevents my stupid sadistic hormones from ever taking control.  Thank god for boyfriends who live on the other side of the world so I can’t get laid.  Not being in penis range has it’s benefits!

Major Wall of Text Warning.  Whole last month’s worth of posting has shat itself onto this one entry.  Read at own risk!!

Blogging is a weird thing.  Just like a diet, or a journal, or that pile of ironing that is sitting in the corner of the room gathering dust, it is something that we all resolve to do regularly and, really, few of us ever do.  As someone who ‘maintains’ 2 blogs, if there is anything that I know, it is that the maintenance will typically be unmaintained.

This blog was meant to be somewhere where I could vent at will about everything in my life – no one here knows me, after all, and it is perfectly safe from the weirdos who inhabit my actual everyday non internet related life.  I figured, well, I bitch all the god damn time, so this shouldn’t be too hard, right?

Ha!

I am SO terrible at updating this place.  Admittedly, I have also gotten really terrible at maintaining my other blog (although I hardly game anymore), and I have noticed a lot of blogs just disappearing into the night like so many toons running from the threat of Dip.  People just don’t have the time anymore, and I am really not sure what this is indicative of.  Perhaps we are all too busy?  Or too happy?  Or too unhappy, and therefore too drunk to form coherent sentences?

As a case in point, this is a time line of my typical day.  Let’s see where blogging could possibly fit in…

_______________________________

6am: Alarm goes off for ‘morning walk’

6.02am: take ‘morning walk’, which involves turning off alarm, throwing it across the room to exercise those oh-so-important arm muscles, rolling over (thus moving my legs and exercising them), and getting back to the business of ‘sleep’.

6.10am:  Look at clock.  Curse.  Roll back over, thus gaining MORE exercise

6.20am:  Look at clock.  Curse.  Indulge in George Clooney fantasy.  Roll back over.

6.30am:  Look at clock.  Curse.  Continue George Clooney fantasy.  Roll over.

6.40am:  Look at clock.  Curse.  Commence phase two of fantasy:  George leaves, Hugh Jackman walks in.

6.50am:  Look at clock.  Curse.  Note you should really be up in 10 minutes.  Commence phase three of fantasy:  Hugh is still there, but George comes back.  Bliss out for 15 minutes.

7.05am:  Roll out of bed, cursing blindly about sleeping in for work.  Crawl into shower.  Curl up on shower floor and want to die.  Then think “What would George do if he were here?”

7.20am:  Somehow make it out of shower after thinking about George, or Hugh, in a steam filled room.  Day can only go downhill from that point.

7.30am:  Check to see if yoghurt in fridge purchased some time ago is still in date.  See it still has a week left. Enough time for the resolve to eat the foul tasting shit to kick in some other day.

7.45am:  Feed cat, get dressed.  Lose keys.  Find Keys.  Lose glasses.  Find glasses.

8.05am:  Leave for work 5 minutes late.  Realise as I leave I still have ugg boots on.

8.15am:  Stagger into work, with real shoes on.  Somehow lose glasses again.  Drop photocopies on floor.  Curse.  Think about George as I bend over to pick them up.  Hmmm…

8.45am:  School actually starts.  Frantically plan lessons in head while walking to roll call.

9.00am:  Bluff way through first lesson.  Manage to not get caught calling the children various nouns and adjectives under breath.

10.35am:  Lunch.  Have hot chips and gravy, don’t give a shit about diet until you see the slim attractive special ed teacher munching on a carrot.  Curse… eat more gravy. 

11.15am:  Go to next class.  Write notes on board, then try not to nap.  Threaten kids with abject failure when they ask questions.  Make intentional errors on board to cheer self up.

1pm:   Recess.  Sit and try not to die for 20 minutes.  Spend 15 of it bitching about having to teach for the next 2 hours.

1.20pm:  Engage in half assed teaching while freaking out about next day’s classes, report cards, exams, marking, parent/teacher interviews, paperwork, meetings…

3.05pm: Bell rings!  Get all excited for about 10 seconds, until you remember there is a GDSM.

3.15pm:  GDSM (God Damn Staff Meeting) begins.  Mentally count errors boss makes.  Less than ten earns me a drink for him having a good day.  More than twenty earns me a drink for having to put up with that shite.

4pm:  Get home, throw all work that I had planned to do on floor, decide to collapse for *just ten minutes*

4.30pm: Drag ass off lounge, log on to computer.  See the “awesome, hopefully not freaky, sorta boyfriend” (AHNFSB)is online.  Squeal

4.31pm:  Feel crushed when AHNFSB is busy.  Sulk.  Think about Hugh!

4.45pm:  Do a small amount of work, then snack.  Snacks are great

5pm:  AHNFSB is finally available.  Chat some.  He listens to me whine, I listen to him sit silently listening to me whine.  Then… he somehow makes me marginally happier.  Forget about George for first time today.

6pm:  Think about making dinner.  Can’t be assed.  Do some more marking, then throw it across the room.

7pm:  Make dinner.  Feel invariably disappointed with it.  Start to worry that the meat was off and that’s why it tastes crap.  Feel ill.

8pm:  Wind down with a book and some more conversation with the AHNFSB.  Possibly freak him out by declaring undying love.  Watch Bunnykill to help shake off the sop factor.

9pm:  Watch a movie while doing some work.

10pm:  Go to bed with AHNFSB (via headset), since the heater doesn’t work yet and the house is god damn cold.

1am:  Fall asleep after 3 hours of trying to warm up.  Curse inefficient electric blanket and broken heater.  Curse AHNFSB for living so far away.  Curse job for being a pain.  Sleeeeeep.

• Debugged the front of le automobile – is now grey instead of yellow bug gut colour. Downside: my hands smell like dead bug #
• Next kid who retells the story instead of giving me techniques is headed for the guillotine #
• And yeah, I know I say that all the time… #
• I am so totally going to be good and update twitter on this account, I swear!! #

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