Snarks and Ladders

“How to put the relationship in distance relationship… by someone who has failed at many!”

OK, so I am not –actually- going to write about making a distance relationship work.  Hell, it’s different for every person anyway, and I have tanked a few.  But, I was pondering the many distance relationships that I have had, and trying to work out why they didn’t work… in light of the fact that the one I am in now feels like it’s heading down the crapper.  He just doesn’t realise it yet.

Guy A – Time Management

I saw the same guy most of the way through university.  At that point, we lived 3 and a half hours apart (he went to Uni A, I went to Uni B).  When he graduated, he got a job in a town about 4 hours away.  One would think that wouldn’t be too much of a difference, but it was HUGE.  Why?

It wasn’t the distance that killed us.  At that point he started teaching, I was in my final year of university, and our phone conversations turned into ‘Hey.  I’m tired.  Talk tomorrow, OK?’  Neither of us had the time or the energy to make a proper go of it.  Needless to say, it failed miserably. 

Could I have put in more effort?  Probably.  Especially for a relationship that spanned a couple years.  At the time though, it just felt impossible.

Guy B – Useless Git Syndrome

He was my first ‘We met online, I can never admit this to my friends!’ boyfriend.  He was a decent enough guy, despite the fact his mother hated me because I was ‘too Aussie’ (his family were Eastern European), but he was bone idle.

He had no car.  He had no job.  He had no education.  He sat at home all day playing computer games.

I ended up having to drive the 2 and a half hours to see him all the time.  He didn’t like making the train trip to my place.  He had no money most of the time.  And, I am ashamed to admit it, but I was embarrassed to have a partner who didn’t do anything.  He started a degree in Fine Art at one point… but dropped out in less than a semester.  Then he picked up a casual job, which he still has to this day.  And he still lives at home, mooching off Mum and Dad.  And he can’t drive yet either.

However, once we broke up, his mother thought I was awesome.  Yeah, I’m that damned wonderful that breaking up with a guy makes their mothers fall in love with me.

Guy C – Won’t Meet Half Way

This is the current guy.  Things work out kinda ok between us.  Sure, he doesn’t have a job, as he is studying.  So he has no money (although, I have to admit, I don’t get the whole ‘not working while studying’ thing.  Seriously.  My parents would have kicked my ass).  We talk a bit on Skype… when he isn’t talking on Vent to people about a raid.  He keeps screwy hours, which helps I guess.  However, he seems to want all the big things to be his way or the highway.

Not going to happen, buddy!  A little bit of compromise makes the world of difference.  I know that some of what I am asking is kinda huge, but, what he is asking is much bigger.

Thing is, none of this has made me anti-distance relationship.  For starters, the odds of finding a compatible person where I live are slim to none.  I can live with endless phone conversations and very little physical contact for quite a while (not forever, but a long time).  Of the people I have been with, the distance relationships have been the ones where the best discussions happen. 

I think the point I am trying to make is that all the shit that happened in those relationships above?  That could happen to ANY relationship.  Distance is not equal to fail!