Oct 13 2009
So… today was interesting. And, not interesting in a good way.
Turns out, the other guy didn’t actually know that I am in a relationship. Honestly, I don’t know how… I certainly have never tried to hide it (although I guess I do give conflicting messages, generally based upon the very strong feeling that this relationship is going to go kaput at any given moment), but, there you go.
He then proceeded to confuse the hell out of me, making a statement that suggested he would have, I don’t know, made a move or something had I been single. Seriously… make up your god damn mind already.
Of course, this led to me being rather upset because, to be totally honest, I would not even be with my boyfriend if I had known before that the other guy was interested. But, since the other guy gave off such confusing “I like you I don’t like you I like you I don’t like you’ signals, I gave up and looked elsewhere. A girl can not pine forever over one person, right? For him to suggest (at a point where I was already somewhat vulnerable anyway) that he was interested and had some sort of intentions at just that point in time was… awful. It felt absolutely awful.
Of course, I reacted somewhat stupidly, as I do. I can’t even remember what I said, something along the lines of ‘Did you actually mean that? Can you please stop fucking with my bloody mind?’ no doubt. Vague discussion followed, and I think this is what came out of it:
- I told him (in awesome high-school speak… oh dear lord) that “I like him. I REALLY like him”. Yes, I even used the caps. Good grief. Well, at least now he might actually understand!
- I –think- (but can not be certain) that he is somewhat, mildly interested in me
- As he is sane (unlike myself) he does not want a long distance relationship.
So, that’s kinda resolved. The silly, somewhat whorish (apparently) side of me said ‘Well, how about a holiday fling? ’… to which there was a fairly resounding no.
I almost ended things with the boyfriend today. It’s been coming for a long while, and I still honestly believe that it will not work out while I am the one who has to do all the changing. However, I do still care for him (I don’t think that I am necessarily in love with him anymore, but oh well), and he seems to genuinely care for me, so… yeah. I feel REALLY bad for staying with him in some ways… and a part of me hopes that I can learn to love him again. But, that isn’t going to happen until I can get the other guy out of my mind… and he has been pretty persistently in there for a while now.
I just suck at dumping people. I felt so bad, and I cried absolute BUCKETS. Again… why did all this shit not end when I finished high school?