Snarks and Ladders

So… today was interesting.  And, not interesting in a good way.

Turns out, the other guy didn’t actually know that I am in a relationship.  Honestly, I don’t know how… I certainly have never tried to hide it (although I guess I do give conflicting messages, generally based upon the very strong feeling that this relationship is going to go kaput at any given moment), but, there you go. 

He then proceeded to confuse the hell out of me, making a statement that suggested he would have, I don’t know, made a move or something had I been single.  Seriously… make up your god damn mind already. 

Of course, this led to me being rather upset because, to be totally honest, I would not even be with my boyfriend if I had known before that the other guy was interested.  But, since the other guy gave off such confusing “I like you I don’t like you I like you I don’t like you’ signals, I gave up and looked elsewhere.  A girl can not pine forever over one person, right?  For him to suggest (at a point where I was already somewhat vulnerable anyway) that he was interested and had some sort of intentions at just that point in time was… awful.  It felt absolutely awful.

Of course, I reacted somewhat stupidly, as I do.  I can’t even remember what I said, something along the lines of ‘Did you actually mean that?  Can you please stop fucking with my bloody mind?’ no doubt.  Vague discussion followed, and I think this is what came out of it:

• I told him (in awesome high-school speak… oh dear lord) that “I like him.  I REALLY like him”.  Yes, I even used the caps.  Good grief.  Well, at least now he might actually understand!
• I –think- (but can not be certain) that he is somewhat, mildly interested in me
• As he is sane (unlike myself) he does not want a long distance relationship.

So, that’s kinda resolved.  The silly, somewhat whorish (apparently) side of me said ‘Well, how about a holiday fling? ’… to which there was a fairly resounding no. 

Dang.

I almost ended things with the boyfriend today.  It’s been coming for a long while, and I still honestly believe that it will not work out while I am the one who has to do all the changing.  However, I do still care for him (I don’t think that I am necessarily in love with him anymore, but oh well), and he seems to genuinely care for me, so… yeah.  I feel REALLY bad for staying with him in some ways… and a part of me hopes that I can learn to love him again.  But, that isn’t going to happen until I can get the other guy out of my mind… and he has been pretty persistently in there for a while now. 

I just suck at dumping people.  I felt so bad, and I cried absolute BUCKETS.  Again… why did all this shit not end when I finished high school?

So, I know you guys have heard this all before, but, you know what, I am going to blab it all out on here again today.  Yay me!

Ever since I got back from the US things have been both easier and more difficult with the other half.  It was awesomely nice to spend time with him, really, it was.  However, it has made the old “I’m not moving!” “Well, I’M not moving either!” impasse, well, more impassable.  After my trip to the US, I have decided that I just don’t want to live there.  No offense to you American folk, but I didn’t see anything there to dissuade me from the view I already have of your country.  Besides, as much as I would hate to admit it – I have fallen in love with the landscape out here in the desert.  So much so that I want to do a big camping/photography trip sometime.  This place is gorgeous. (And the rest of the country aint half bad either)

Anyway, I know the American landscape is beautiful as well.  I just can’t see myself getting used to some rather different aspects of the culture over there.  For instance – I get the philosophy with tipping.  Really, I do.  However, it irks me that I have to leave a tip every time I buy a drink at a bar (considering the ridiculous price I paid for a drink anyway!).  It irks me that I get poor service since I didn’t understand the custom properly and often screwed it up (you leave a tip on the table over there?).   And it irks me that I have to tip because there isn’t a protection set up so people earn a living wage.  That’s right, I couldn’t live somewhere that didn’t have my left-wing “We will pay you enough to live.  And we will give you universal health care.  And we will give you a pension that you can live on when you are of sufficient age, thankyou for paying us taxes all those years you worked!” philosophy.  The US as a somewhat left-wing oriented person seems like a very frustrating place indeed.

Anyway, this wasn’t meant to be a rant about how much I dislike America.  I figure, the country itself honestly must be OK, because I like a hell of a lot of people that I have met over there.  But, as an Aussie… somewhere like Canada might be more to my liking. *Shrugs*

But, of course, the BF doesn’t get it.  And I don’t understand him not wanting to come here.  I would REALLY appreciate some sort of FAIR agreement – you know, he lives here with me for a year, I live there with him for a year – but he doesn’t want to do that.  He doesn’t want to move here at all, ever, full stop.  Hell, he foresees me visiting him before he visits me (I’ve already been there, it’s HIS turn!).  AAAARGH!

Not to mention, we just don’t get to spend enough time together.  We hardly talk because he is often too busy gaming, or out socialising, or whatever.  I understand that time zones make life suck, but it is mildly frustrating.

Oh… and guilty conscience time.

So, I find myself flirting with the other guy.  I really have to stop this, and I really have to draw a line in the sand and not cross it.  It isn’t fair to him.  Just sucks that I was, well, interested for such a long time, and never sure enough of myself to make a move.  Probably because he lives bloody 17 hours away.  And because he was SO unclear with his motives.  Seriously unclear and confusing.  Still is, really.

Get the feeling I like to make myself suffer much?

/rant off

So, I am well and truly back from the visit to the boyfriend (and Blizzcon, and all the stuff that went with that).  To be honest, I had a somewhat fantastic time.  Even if I did cause the BF to get in trouble with the police (accidentally, honest!), spent more than I could afford on daiquiris (although I could go for one right now – I am going to have to learn how to make them!)  and didn’t get all the things done that I could have possibly have gotten done in a trip to LA.

I know holiday stories are really boring.  They bring to mind the horrible, stereotypical visions of Auntie and Uncle making you suffer through endless photos and slides of their trip to the lake (nowadays people just send you the DVD – you put it in, don’t really watch it, and then can legitimately say “Yes, I looked at them!  Gorgeous!’”).  So, instead, I am going to tell my holiday tale in an exciting way… by adding cats with lazors!  OK, so not really…

Most of my fears about meeting the BF were eliminated within a couple of hours.  It really only took a couple of hours because he took over an hour to find me at the airport (long story!).  You know how sometimes you get along with someone really well online, but when you meet it just doesn’t work out well?  Thankfully, not like that at ALL.  Which is great, because I can be somewhat irritating and full on in real life.  Absolutely no problems at all

… except for his snoring.  Eeeesh!  Although, apparently I sleep talk like crazy (I just can’t shut my yap even when I am sleeping), so I guess I should be understanding.

Of course, things can’t always go to plan.  There is always something or someone which is going to interfere.  While I was over there I also spent a little bit of time with someone who, well… I am not sure what I would describe our relationship as, because I never fully understood it myself.  Someone who I have spent an awful lot of time flirting with online (and that was more than reciprocated!), but I have never exactly understood whether there was anything there, or whether it was just harmless fun.  Of course, since I couldn’t quite figure it out, I lumped it in the ‘harmless fun’ category.

Anyway, I had dinner with him and a couple of his friends one night, and then we all went back to their hotel room for drinks.  Now, nothing happened (since, you know, I AM in a relationship), but it felt like the possibility was there for something small to happen.  So, of course, I am now even more confused about all that than I was before, but I guess at the end of the day it doesn’t matter since I am in a relationship.

Not that it would hurt to KNOW exactly what his side of the whole thing was!

… I’m allowed to have a ‘crush’ on someone while I am in a relationship with someone else, right?  I do love my BF, even if it may not sound like it.

Anyway, most of the trip the BF and I just kicked back and enjoyed each other’s company.  Neither of us wanted to do too much – being busy all the time actually makes it harder to talk and what not.  Instead, I drank my weight in daiquiris, we enjoyed plenty of conversation, learned one or two new things about one another, and just relaxed.  Which is also what I really needed with the way work has been lately.

If only I wasn’t so confused about someone!

Yeah, a big part of me knew that I would fail at maintaining a RL blog.  My fundamental laziness and outright busyness would just conspire against me until, lo and behold, it’s been something like 2 months since I updated!  So, what’s new news?

• My beloved baby, my shiny new car, is off with the parents getting a spray job done.  Only set me back $450, which was kinda OK I guess.  In the meantime, I am driving my mother’s clunky Rav4, which is slow and snailish and annoying.  Not to mention having stupidly light steering – guess who has accidentally been doing fishies around corners?  Oh, how I miss my ‘lil car!
• Work is still occasionally a big ball of fail.  I am getting tired of being the only one in my faculty who knows how to do my job, so I have no mentors, no help, nothing at all.  It’s like finding the village idiot and getting them to run the show, I swear.  On the plus side, the kids haven’t worked out yet that I have no bloody idea what I am talking about, which is always nice.
• Things are –mainly- going Ok with the BF.  I keep half expecting him to dump my ass, to be honest… but,

I get to see him!  In less than two days!  That’s right, my nerdish butt is hauling it’s not-so-delicate self on to a plane, which is then going to (successfully – never mind what my Year 9’s  said!) make it all the way to LA, where he will pick me up from the airport.  That is, if he doesn’t run screaming

Part of me feels kinda bad about the whole situation.  I mean… I lied to get time off work.  That’s gotta be against the rules, right?  Well, let me explain.

One of the downsides to being a teacher is not getting to choose when your holidays are.  Now, I can’t reeeeeally complain, I get a fair chunk of time off in a year, but I wish I didn’t have to put up with holiday-making families and pay exorbitant peak season fares every time I wanted to go somewhere.  Not to mention that it’s stupidly hard to have time off when you want it.

In case you guys hadn’t worked it out… I’m kinda a nerd.  Yeah, I play WoW.  I blog about WoW.  I spend a large chunk of my day talking about WoW.  So when I realised I could (just barely) afford to go to Blizzcon this year, I leapt at the chance!  Unfortunately… Blizzcon is in the middle of the school term.  When I am meant to be merrily slaving my ass off.  I am sure that work will be thrilled to know I want time off to go to a…

Nerd convention?  With people in costumes and shit?  Mingling with the great unwashed (literally)?  Yeah, that leave is TOTALLY going to get approved.  Along with the leave to sit around the house all day ‘just because I feel like it’ and the ‘oh, but I have to wash my car!’ leave.

So, internet… I am going to a wedding.

Keep it on the down-low, OK?