Snarks and Ladders

Well, it’s been a kinda crazy couple of days.  My ear decided it would be fun to consume an earring (much to my panicked shouts of ‘Ow ow mcfucking ow!!’), I put off doing work in favour of being a lazy ass for my last two days of holidays. and my family is convinced I do not like them because I do not want to go home next holidays.

Eeeeesh.

And my house is a sty from having friends over – it makes me wonder why I clean up for them, when they leave beer bottles everywhere.  A lot of beer bottles.  Which is hardly fair when I stayed sober for the night and drove everyone home.

In a display of assertiveness (or perhaps just outright bitchiness), when the boy** was somewhat of an asshat the other day, I pretty much just told him that, you know what, I quit.  If I talk too much for his liking, if that somehow makes him feel ‘pressured’ and ‘obligated’ to make conversation (seriously, it’s a fucking IM chat window, buddy.  It doesn’t have teeth.  It’s not going to jump off the screen and maul your face if you don’t talk lots or say you are busy), then I just won’t start a conversation.  Ever.  He can initiate one if he wants to talk, other than that, we can all just sit in happy blissful silence.

So.  I don’t expect to be hearing from him in the next hundred years or so.  I’m kinda OK with that.

In other news, I was pondering the fact that spending every night alone is really quite shitty.  I think it’s mainly bothering because it’s winter, and every time I involuntarily roll over for a snuggle, I smoosh my face into a pillow or a cat.  Waking up with a mouthful of fur is nasty (although very similar to this one guy that I dated…)  I was feeling a bit pathetic for moping around about it, and then I thought about the many ways we could interpret my sex life

1.  I’ve had sex with 5 different people this year!  Well, that sounds like I got plenty of action, right?

2.  I have only had sex maybe 8 times this year!  Unfortunately, 3 of those were one off affairs.  Actually, unfortunately is not the word to use in some cases.  I think the correct word there is ‘ThankYouRandomDeityIAmNeverDrinkingAgainISwearJustDoNOTLetMeNearThat’  Penises should come with warning labels attached.  Or pull pins, like fire extinguishers

“So, Ma’am, do you really want to use this here penis?  Because, once you pull that pin, there’s no going back.  This pin is here to remind you of all the horrible consequences using this penis can have.

*Disclaimer: We take no responsibility for you confusing this pull pin with his penis.  If confusion does arise, please take said penis to somewhere warm, where hopefully the difference will become apparent.  If you are lucky*”

And now I’m thinking about firemen.

Image stolen shamelessly from here.

OK.  Now that I am back with you.

I’m pinning my last hope, Princess Leia style, on the fact that we have a new teacher coming out this term.  A teacher who is young (!), male (!!), and teaches Science (uh… geeks, can be hot, right? !!!)***.  Hopefully he can at least maintain a conversation.

Either that or I’m just going to have to say ‘Stick a cork in me, I’m done’****.  I’ll be closing up shop until I move northwards. 

** I need better pseudonyms.  Stat.

***In all actuality, I don’t really like the idea of being involved with someone from work.  Urgh messy.  So, hopefully he’s just a nice guy to chat to.  *fingers crossed*

**** Yes, I know it’s meant to be a fork.  But I do not want a fork stuck in my nether regions!

“What happened Miss?  Were you sick in the holidays or something… you look anorexic!”  (Gee, thanks for noticing I dropped a couple of kilos, girls!)

Followed by a whispered “Serious!  Look!  She doesn’t have a belly anymore!”  Yes, girls, I DID hear that!

“You must be missing Mr N.  It’s ok, we’ll find you a new man” (seeing as Mr N. was my neighbour who was older than my parents… it could be an interesting case of matchmaking)

“So, did you have fun riding the slopes Miss?”  (Referring to my holiday – little was I aware he was NOT talking about skiing.  Some of my students are racist gits.)

“For the new people, she’s the chubby one over there” (The boss, who in my mind counts as one of the kids, pointing out the 7 month pregnant teacher to the new staff.  First idiotic comment of the year from the higher ups, check!)

“I like sex… and eating” (one of my senior students, when their new teacher asked if anyone was interested in any sports).’

“Heh, I always thought those bombs you’re talking about were called Mushroom Bombs” (when the arms race meets Super Mario Brothers!)

Sometimes, i quite enjoy being back at work!!  And so far, only one student tried to stab another one!  /win

Warning: this post features a woman talking about her sex life in very vague detail.  Shocking, I know, right?

So, it’s been a while since I got any.

And it was a damned long while between that time and the time before that.

You want to know something?  It really truly sucks having a partner who you don’t live anywhere near, who you only have the very slight possibility of seeing perhaps once a year.  Obviously, this is a nasty situation for a variety of reasons, but you want to know something?

I am tired of not getting laid.  Yep, I said it.  On the internet too!  It absolutely sucks not getting any!

This sounds super obvious.  I mean, everyone (or, OK, most people) enjoy sex.  There’s a reason why people do it!  However, it drives me fricking bananas that a woman can not admit that she has unsatisfied sexual urges without people looking down on her.

A great example that I recall involves the novel ‘The Bride Stripped Bare’.  (If you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend you do.)  Now, myself and a few co-workers read the novel, and were all discussing how fantastic it is when I said the unthinkable:

“It’s so true to life as well”

They were shocked!  They were appalled!  ‘Oh no, I have never had thoughts like that!’  ‘Don’t you think the woman in the novel is a bit, well… you know… a whore?’  Um, no.  Sure, most of the things she thinks are things which I would never say, but do I think some of them?  Of course I do!

News flash guys: women think about sex.  We just don’t talk about it as much as you.

Women aren’t allowed to be seen as wanting sex.  If we are, we are labelled promiscuous.  We certainly can’t be seen as wanting anything other than conventional sex, at least not in public (and in some relationships, not even in private).  Then you aren’t merely promiscuous – you are an outright filthy whore.  In the mean time, men can acceptably talk to some extent about their sex lives.  I hear men talking about their sex lives at work on a daily basis, in varying levels of detail.  I hardly hear women mention it at all.  We just aren’t game enough, and we have trained ourselves to truly believe that we can’t talk about it.  Hell, would I ever talk about my sex life in public?  Goodness no!  How mortifying!

I have no idea what can be done about this, ladies.  But something has to change.  I want to be able to write a post that says ‘Damn, it’s been a long time since I got any and I really kinda miss it’ without feeling obligated to put a warning or apologise for it.