Snarks and Ladders

I’m getting tired of being at this point.  I’ve only been back at work for a week, and I feel like my whole world is collapsing.  Or at least my brain.

• My Year 11 students are really fucking pissing me off.  They are lazy, unmotivated, don’t do any work, and then decide to blame me for their poor results.  When I try to teach them, they talk over the top of me; they make personal insults when I get aggravated and tell them to do their work.  When I get angry at their poor attitude, they say it’s because I suck at my job, and they want to do everything humanly possible to get me fired.
• My Year 12 students have their second English paper tomorrow.  ‘Nuff said.
• I have no money.  I shouldn’t be going on a holiday at the end of the year, but if I don’t get away – I’m going to kill someone.
• Even though it SHOULDN’T matter, I just found out one of my ex’s has a new girlfriend.  This is an ex who I was with for 2 and a half years, who I was basically engaged to.  it kinda stings for some reason.
• One of the teachers at work is driving me insane.  The 40 year experienced former head teacher (who only teaches ONE child at the moment!  I teach 120!) should NOT be asking me to do her programming and shit like that.  I came here and had to try and write everything from scratch myself straight out of uni, you can fucking make do.  I don’t care if you are the principal’s wife!
• And, on that note, when I raise a legitimate question in staff meeting – you don’t have the right to answer it in your usual sarcastic ‘you are so stupid’ tone.  Shut the fuck up bitch.
• My mouth is full of ulcers from stress, so I can barely eat.
• I keep having nightmares since I am stressed, so I can barely sleep.
• My mother is coming out for the weekend.  Fucking help me God.
• My house is a pigsty, because I don’t have time to keep up with the housework at the moment.
• Reports are due for ALL my classes, and I have to write exams and grade papers and organise this school excursion that is happening in a month
• AND I come home from work and have to listen to other people bitch and moan about stuff.  I don’t mind listening, but I am stuck in a whole heap of one sided conversations involving them venting and me listening.

So, you guys get to hear all the venting.  Oh goodie, right?

Just so you know, I’ll be dithering about and babbling like a teenage girl in this post.  Hey, it’s a few days before my birthday: I’ll grow up then.

So, the long-lasting, ever confusing saga between myself and the other guy has finally ended.  It’s only been going for a year!  I finally just ended up asking outright (well, actually, HE asked outright what I thought, in a way which was more like ME asking outright… bah), and I have decided to accept what he said as the actual, honest truth.  Unlike everything else, which has just been damned confusing.

In a way, it’s a relief.  Spending a whole year wondering what he really means when he speaks, not wanting to interpret it too strongly one way or another for fear of being wrong and somehow getting hurt by it or somehow hurting or confusing him… finally over.  I should be really, REALLY glad that he finally said it was all an ongoing joke, but a big part of me is also unhappy and fricking pissed off.

When you are joking around with people like that, you should make it bloody explicitly clear what the hell you are doing!  In the ‘real world’, if I went out and flirted merrily with some guy for a long time, he would assume I was interested.  Which he would be right to do.  If I finally said that I was just messing around, he’d be pretty pissed off, and I wouldn’t blame him.  Especially if he ended up being somewhat interested in ME.  Which is what happened to me.

Now I feel pissed off, both at myself and at him.  Pissed off at myself mainly because this shouldn’t be bothering me – I’m already in a relationship for heaven’s sakes, so this IS the best possible outcome for me logically.  Pissed off at him, for, well, screwing me around so much.  Now I feel like an utter fool, since I was telling myself all along that it meant nothing, and let some stupid dumb-ass 16 year old part of myself convince me otherwise.  I thought that you stopped riding these stupid emotional rollercoasters when you finished high school (perhaps this is a sign that I need to grow up?)

Well, at least you guys won’t need to suffer through me venting about this anymore!  Yay!